I got up this morning an hour before everyone else to catch up on chores and start work before Cam woke up for his morning play time. That said, I should be working right now. However, I checked the news on AOL, as I do every morning and found this article:
"Breastfeeding Linked to Childrens' Metabolism"
And then I began reading the comments. I then I was enraged. Like, oddly, very angry. Vent begins in 3, 2, 1....
When Cam was born he was so fragile, and having so much trouble breathing, that we could barely touch him. Let alone, hold him to breastfeed him. So, I committed to pumping breastmilk that would be fed to my baby via a feeding tube. Beyond that, he received IV nutrition for the first 5 days. By day 6, Cam's nutritional needs began to exceed that of my milk supply. Just pump, they said. Your milk will come. So I pumped. For 15 minutes, every 3 hours, 24 hours a day.
When I went home from the hospital and Cam stayed behind, I rented a hospital grade breast pump and continued to pump. I labeled my milk and carried it back and forth to the hospital in a little ice chest, where Cam received it all. However, it still was not enough to keep up with his needs and we began supplementing with formula in the hospital. Which made...me feel...like crap.
Society has taken the stance over the past decade that women should be urged as much as possible to breastfeed. "Breast is best". "Babies are born to be breastfed." It's imperative to your child's development. Kids who don't get breastmilk are more likely to have behavioral issues. They're likely to be behind developmentally. It's the best bonding experience you could ever imagine. BULLSHIT.
That's right. I cussed on my baby blog.
Because of all that I'd heard about how critial breastfeeding was, and because I really do believe it's the best source of nutrition for a newborn, I pressed on. I took herbs. Worked with a lactation consultant. Pumped some more. Read everything I could. Tried pumping in the hospital. Tried pumping at home. Took more herbs. Ate oatmeal. Ate barley. Ate more. Drank more. Pumped again. And nothing. For all my efforts, I produced minimal amounts of milk. I'm talking...Mi-ni-mal.
Then, when it came time for Cam to come home, latching became an issue just as it had been in the hospital when we got clearance to try breastfeeding almost 10 days in. He didn't know how to do it. And no matter how much I offered, or how many trips we made to see the lactation consultant...He just didn't get it.
So I kept pumping for 5 weeks, until, one week....It just stopped. My milk became only a few drops that I stressed over dripping into a tiny bottle, and it was over. We were a formula fed family. And apparently, the world works to make formula fed mommies feel judged. Which I will not.
I tried my damndest to feed my son. But, the reality is, that our situation wasn't perfect. We didn't get to snuggle right after birth, and we never got to breastfeed. But there is NO lack of a bond. He is my boy and I am his mommy. And if anybody wants to argue how strong our bond is, or isn't, because we didn't breastfeed I will fight them with my bare hands until my knucles are bloody.
And I have a hard time imagining that Cam will be any less smart, or healthy or able because of our feeding regimen. I gave him all that I had, for as long as I could and I'm proud of that.
The fact of the matter is that 4% of mothers have what's referred to as "primary lactation failure" and just can't produce nearly enough milk. Unfortunately, although no one in the baby community will ever mention it as a possibility, I believe I was one of those 4%. I had a pre-term baby, via c-section, without a progressed labor and dangerously high blood pressure. My body was doing all it could to heal and get by. And milk production simply wasn't a part of that.
Women ,like me, should not be made to feel like failures. Sometimes, no matter how many herbs you take, or how much water you drink...Regardless of how rested you are or how much you try, breastfeeding just might not work. With that in mind, it's unfair to push women to keep trying at some point. I didn't want to "give up," but my emotional well being was suffering by staring at less than a 1/2 ounce of milk from 2-3 hours of pumping. I was stressing myself out over feeding my son, who already had enough feeding troubles as it was. Not breastfeeding was the better option for all of us, contrary to what every book, expert or online resource will tell you. I have respect for mommies who do breastfeed. I'm glad that you're able to and think it's a great source of nutrition. I just couldn't do it...And it's not like I didn't try.
So, to the lady in the comments section of the article above, who stated that she has long term health issues and believes it's from not being breastfed...Or to the moms who act like formula is poison...Or the people who judge parents who bottle feed their babies...Give it up. Each baby has a unique set of circumstances and no mom who puts an effort into breastfeeding should be made to feel any less when it doesn't work out.
Sorry, Cam...I couldn't give ya much milk. But if you need any vital organs in the future, I'll be happy to give mine to you. You already stole my heart.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Big(ger) dog than I thought...
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| 100 lbs. on the vet's scale today. And he still likes to sit on laps. |
Cam's Birth Story - Part #2
Disclaimer: Long, windy, lengthy and probably boring. Only because I don't want to forget how it went down. Not that I know if I could forget even if I wanted to...
After visiting Cam in the ICN for a few minutes, I was wheeled back to my labor & delivery room. Due to the amount of Magnesium Sulfate that I was receiving to control my blood pressure, I would be fortunate enough to have a greater level of care for another 24 hours. I really liked the L&D nurses, so I couldn't complain. However, has anyone else ever had that magnesium crap? While I was in labor I never really noticed the effects. Mind you, once I got that baby outta me, the stuff jacked me up. Bad. Every time that I moved a limb, it felt as though it took said limb approximately 3 extra seconds to actually move. Combined with my spinal from the c-section, I couldn't stand and chewing felt like an olympic sport. Which sucked after 36 hours of not being allowed to eat. The stuff is nasty. Bad. No more. Ever. Thank you. I digress...
I convinced my Mom to go back to our house and rest for the night with my dad and Jackson. Luke stayed at the hospital with me and slept on the tiny little couch they reserve for weary family members. Although both of us were exhausted, we kept chatting about how amazed we were with our little bear...and I kept itching. Like, really, really itching. As the medication from the spinal wore off it started in my nose. Which I kept running my finger under like some kind of crack addict. Then my legs began to itch. And my face. Any my arms. And for the first time, I utilized my call button to ask for Benadryl, lotion and anything else I thought would stop the itching. Note to lady friends: itching is a serious side effect of a c-section. And annoying beyond belief.
When morning finally rolled around and the itching had mostly subsided, I was excited at the prospect of seeing Cam again. Unfortunately, I was still bed ridden and would only be able to go when the doctor gave me permission to move about the hospital. So, I waited and Luke went to visit him first thing in the morning. After a few minutes, he returned to let me know that LB was just fine, although still having a little trouble breathing. Still, I just wanted to see him. And I thought, perhaps, hold him.
That thought, however, was dashed when the neonatologist on call came to chat with us. Dr. Johnson was a lovely woman from San Jose who covered at the hospital a couple weekends each month. She had been caring for LB since he was born and cared enough to come find us and have a 30 minute talk about how things would go down now that Cam was in the ICN. I listened, as intently as I could through my exhaustion as she told me that we should plan on a minimum of a two week ICN stay, and that he was suffering from premature lung disease, also called "respiratory distress syndrome."
Which is when I really started to listen.
Dr. Johnson explained that due to the immaturity of Cam's lungs that he was not producing enough surfactant, a substance that helps lubricate the lungs. In essence, he was having trouble breathing due to his lungs sticking to themselves as he drew breaths in. It seemed as though he would overcome this trouble with just steroids. However, if he had any more trouble, he would need to be intubated and placed on a ventilator for a breathing treatment. And that potentially meant that he would need to be transferred to a different hospital. And that freaked Mama out.
So I asked, "When do you think we'll be able to hold him?" I didn't like her response, but I had to accept it. At least not for a few days. Right now, even touch was too much stimulation for him. Each time someone reached through a port hole of his isolette, his blood oxygen saturation dropped dramatically. Breathing requires a preemies full attention. And until he got that down, I would have to wait.
All of it was a lot to take in. Babies aren't supposed to have tubes shoved down their throats. Babies aren't supposed to have to endure that kind of pain. Babies are supposed to be cuddled and kissed.
I had read books. And watched shows. I knew how this went. Or was supposed to go, at least. Baby is born. Baby is placed on Mom's chest. Baby snuggles. Baby learns to breastfeed. Baby goes to nursery to get weighed and comes back to be cuddled some more. And then Baby goes home with Mom. I knew now, however, that our experience wasn't going to go like that.
So, I put on my big girl panties (which were, conveniently, some very attractive, giant, elastic mesh undies provided by the hospital) and waited for my nurse to bring me a wheelchair so that I could get wheeled into the nursery without a big glass viewing window and see my baby again.
After visiting Cam in the ICN for a few minutes, I was wheeled back to my labor & delivery room. Due to the amount of Magnesium Sulfate that I was receiving to control my blood pressure, I would be fortunate enough to have a greater level of care for another 24 hours. I really liked the L&D nurses, so I couldn't complain. However, has anyone else ever had that magnesium crap? While I was in labor I never really noticed the effects. Mind you, once I got that baby outta me, the stuff jacked me up. Bad. Every time that I moved a limb, it felt as though it took said limb approximately 3 extra seconds to actually move. Combined with my spinal from the c-section, I couldn't stand and chewing felt like an olympic sport. Which sucked after 36 hours of not being allowed to eat. The stuff is nasty. Bad. No more. Ever. Thank you. I digress...
I convinced my Mom to go back to our house and rest for the night with my dad and Jackson. Luke stayed at the hospital with me and slept on the tiny little couch they reserve for weary family members. Although both of us were exhausted, we kept chatting about how amazed we were with our little bear...and I kept itching. Like, really, really itching. As the medication from the spinal wore off it started in my nose. Which I kept running my finger under like some kind of crack addict. Then my legs began to itch. And my face. Any my arms. And for the first time, I utilized my call button to ask for Benadryl, lotion and anything else I thought would stop the itching. Note to lady friends: itching is a serious side effect of a c-section. And annoying beyond belief.
When morning finally rolled around and the itching had mostly subsided, I was excited at the prospect of seeing Cam again. Unfortunately, I was still bed ridden and would only be able to go when the doctor gave me permission to move about the hospital. So, I waited and Luke went to visit him first thing in the morning. After a few minutes, he returned to let me know that LB was just fine, although still having a little trouble breathing. Still, I just wanted to see him. And I thought, perhaps, hold him.
That thought, however, was dashed when the neonatologist on call came to chat with us. Dr. Johnson was a lovely woman from San Jose who covered at the hospital a couple weekends each month. She had been caring for LB since he was born and cared enough to come find us and have a 30 minute talk about how things would go down now that Cam was in the ICN. I listened, as intently as I could through my exhaustion as she told me that we should plan on a minimum of a two week ICN stay, and that he was suffering from premature lung disease, also called "respiratory distress syndrome."
Which is when I really started to listen.
Dr. Johnson explained that due to the immaturity of Cam's lungs that he was not producing enough surfactant, a substance that helps lubricate the lungs. In essence, he was having trouble breathing due to his lungs sticking to themselves as he drew breaths in. It seemed as though he would overcome this trouble with just steroids. However, if he had any more trouble, he would need to be intubated and placed on a ventilator for a breathing treatment. And that potentially meant that he would need to be transferred to a different hospital. And that freaked Mama out.
So I asked, "When do you think we'll be able to hold him?" I didn't like her response, but I had to accept it. At least not for a few days. Right now, even touch was too much stimulation for him. Each time someone reached through a port hole of his isolette, his blood oxygen saturation dropped dramatically. Breathing requires a preemies full attention. And until he got that down, I would have to wait.
All of it was a lot to take in. Babies aren't supposed to have tubes shoved down their throats. Babies aren't supposed to have to endure that kind of pain. Babies are supposed to be cuddled and kissed.
I had read books. And watched shows. I knew how this went. Or was supposed to go, at least. Baby is born. Baby is placed on Mom's chest. Baby snuggles. Baby learns to breastfeed. Baby goes to nursery to get weighed and comes back to be cuddled some more. And then Baby goes home with Mom. I knew now, however, that our experience wasn't going to go like that.
So, I put on my big girl panties (which were, conveniently, some very attractive, giant, elastic mesh undies provided by the hospital) and waited for my nurse to bring me a wheelchair so that I could get wheeled into the nursery without a big glass viewing window and see my baby again.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
2 Months Old!
Cam is two months old today. Somehow, 7 weeks must have gotten lost in a time warp! In just two months, the little bear has nearly doubled his weight and gotten 4" taller. I can't believe how fast things go...
And in celebration of his 2 month birthday, "someone" has chosen to completely forego naps today. Which is a big commitment for a baby who normally snoozes away 20 hours of each day. Excuse me while I go drive around town now until he gets bored enough to fall asleep and end the party.
Happy birthday, LB. We love you!
From this:
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| 4 days old - 4 lbs. 13 oz. (Approximately the same weight as my double chin in this photo) To this: |
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| 2 months old - 9 lbs. 2 oz. "Yeah, Ma! 2 months old. Double fist bump! Don't leave me hangin'!" And this... |
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| "Does this pose show off my left bicep, Mom?" And this.. |
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| "Slap me some paw, Winnie..." |
And in celebration of his 2 month birthday, "someone" has chosen to completely forego naps today. Which is a big commitment for a baby who normally snoozes away 20 hours of each day. Excuse me while I go drive around town now until he gets bored enough to fall asleep and end the party.
Happy birthday, LB. We love you!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
6 Week Pictures
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| "That's right...I've got a double chin and a milk belly...Wanna make somethin' of it?!: |
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| Kiss me..,I'm cute! |
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| Karate practice... |
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| Clint Eastwood impression... "Get off my lawn, Mom." |
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| "Man, this babysitting is hard work..." |
6 weeks home
Alright...I've been slacking. However, for the sake of records, I'm committing to posting at least once each week from here on out. I said it out loud. And so it is.
Cam had his 2 month well baby today and his first set of immunizations. So far, the kid is a friggin' rock star. He's on track for catch up growth and put up with three big ol' sticks like a champ. However, due to his prematurity he's a little behind on milestones like cooing and smiling. Which I can NOT wait for. I want that kid to smile at me so, so, sooooooo badly. After all that we went through in his first weeks of life, a smile will be the best reward. EVER.
On a different note, Cam got to meet his Grandpa Gary last week and spend an entire week with Luke's parents here. During their trip we took a drive to the Winchester Mystery House and visited two Harley Davidson shops. Little Bear did us proud by riding around in the baby wrap for a 1.5 hour Mystery House tour without a peep. He's totally interested in history. Or he was just tired. It's hard to tell.
We also had an especially great day when all of Cam's grandparents were here for a BBQ. Which makes me realize how much I'd like to live centrally near all of the grandparents. And how much I truly miss my Grandma. She's been gone for almost a year now and I know how much she would love Cam. But, I know she's been with me through this whole journey and keeps a watchful eye over the little dude. I just wish he could meet her once...But he can't.
It's odd to think that Cam will grow up without knowing some of the people that were such formative influences in my life and Luke's life...However, I'm committed to making sure that he knows about his great grandma, his great-great Aunt Pat, his great grandpa and every other relative that is watching over him from a distance. I want our little boy to have firm roots and know where he comes from, so that he can also have big wings. So he best be prepared for boring afternoons going through the family albums.
Cam had his 2 month well baby today and his first set of immunizations. So far, the kid is a friggin' rock star. He's on track for catch up growth and put up with three big ol' sticks like a champ. However, due to his prematurity he's a little behind on milestones like cooing and smiling. Which I can NOT wait for. I want that kid to smile at me so, so, sooooooo badly. After all that we went through in his first weeks of life, a smile will be the best reward. EVER.
On a different note, Cam got to meet his Grandpa Gary last week and spend an entire week with Luke's parents here. During their trip we took a drive to the Winchester Mystery House and visited two Harley Davidson shops. Little Bear did us proud by riding around in the baby wrap for a 1.5 hour Mystery House tour without a peep. He's totally interested in history. Or he was just tired. It's hard to tell.
We also had an especially great day when all of Cam's grandparents were here for a BBQ. Which makes me realize how much I'd like to live centrally near all of the grandparents. And how much I truly miss my Grandma. She's been gone for almost a year now and I know how much she would love Cam. But, I know she's been with me through this whole journey and keeps a watchful eye over the little dude. I just wish he could meet her once...But he can't.
It's odd to think that Cam will grow up without knowing some of the people that were such formative influences in my life and Luke's life...However, I'm committed to making sure that he knows about his great grandma, his great-great Aunt Pat, his great grandpa and every other relative that is watching over him from a distance. I want our little boy to have firm roots and know where he comes from, so that he can also have big wings. So he best be prepared for boring afternoons going through the family albums.
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