Breastfeeding: A Sore Subject

I got up this morning an hour before everyone else to catch up on chores and start work before Cam  woke up for his morning play time. That said, I should be working right now. However, I checked the news on AOL, as I do every morning and found this article:
"Breastfeeding Linked to Childrens' Metabolism"

And then I began reading the comments. I then I was enraged. Like, oddly, very angry. Vent begins in 3, 2, 1....

When Cam was  born he was so fragile, and having so much trouble breathing, that we could barely touch  him. Let alone, hold him to breastfeed him. So, I committed to pumping breastmilk that would be fed to my baby via a feeding tube. Beyond that, he received IV nutrition for the first 5 days. By day 6, Cam's nutritional needs began to exceed that of my milk supply. Just pump, they said. Your milk will come. So I pumped. For 15 minutes, every 3 hours, 24 hours a day.

When I went home from the hospital and Cam stayed behind, I rented a hospital grade breast pump and continued to pump. I labeled my milk and carried it back and forth to the hospital in a little ice chest, where Cam received it all. However, it still was not enough to keep up with his needs and we began supplementing with formula in the hospital. Which made...me feel...like crap.

Society has taken the stance over the past decade that women should be urged as much as possible to breastfeed. "Breast is best". "Babies are born to be breastfed." It's imperative to your child's development. Kids who don't get breastmilk are more likely to have behavioral issues. They're likely to be behind developmentally. It's the best bonding experience you could ever imagine. BULLSHIT.

That's right. I cussed on my baby blog.

Because of all that I'd heard about how critial breastfeeding was, and because I really do believe it's the best source of nutrition for a newborn, I pressed on. I took herbs. Worked with a lactation consultant. Pumped some more. Read everything I could. Tried pumping in the hospital. Tried pumping at home. Took more herbs. Ate oatmeal. Ate barley. Ate more. Drank more. Pumped again. And nothing. For all my efforts, I produced minimal amounts of milk. I'm talking...Mi-ni-mal.

Then, when it came time for Cam to come home, latching became an issue just as it had been in the hospital when we got clearance to try breastfeeding almost 10 days in. He didn't know how to do it. And no matter how much I offered, or how many trips we made to see the lactation consultant...He just didn't get it.

So I kept pumping for 5 weeks, until, one week....It just stopped. My milk became only a few drops that I stressed over dripping into a tiny bottle, and it was over. We were a formula fed family. And apparently, the world works to make formula fed mommies feel judged. Which I will not.

I tried my damndest to feed my son. But, the reality is, that our situation wasn't perfect. We didn't get to snuggle right after birth, and we never got to breastfeed. But there is NO lack of a bond. He is my boy and I am  his mommy. And if anybody wants to argue how strong our bond is, or isn't, because we didn't breastfeed I will fight them with my bare hands until my knucles are bloody.

And I have a hard time imagining that Cam will be any less smart, or healthy or able because of our feeding regimen. I gave him all that I had, for as long as I could and I'm proud of that.

The fact of the matter is that 4% of mothers have what's referred to as "primary lactation failure" and just can't produce nearly enough milk. Unfortunately, although no one in the baby community will ever mention it as a possibility, I believe I was one of those 4%. I had a pre-term baby, via c-section, without a progressed labor and dangerously high blood pressure. My body was doing all it could to heal and get by. And milk production simply wasn't a part of that.

Women ,like me, should not be made to feel like failures. Sometimes, no matter how many herbs you take, or how much water you drink...Regardless of how rested you are or how much you try, breastfeeding just might not work. With that in mind, it's unfair to push women to keep trying at some point. I didn't want to "give up," but my emotional well being was suffering by staring at less than a 1/2 ounce of milk from 2-3 hours of pumping. I was stressing myself out over feeding my son, who already had enough feeding troubles as it was. Not breastfeeding was the better option for all of us, contrary to what every book, expert or online resource will tell you. I have respect for mommies who do breastfeed. I'm glad that you're able to and think it's a great source of nutrition. I just couldn't do it...And it's not like I didn't try.
So, to the lady in the comments section of the article above, who stated that she has long term health issues and believes it's from not being breastfed...Or to the moms who act like formula is poison...Or the people who judge parents who bottle feed their babies...Give it up. Each baby has a unique set of circumstances and no mom who puts an effort into breastfeeding should be made to feel any less when it doesn't work out.

Sorry, Cam...I couldn't give ya much milk. But if you need any vital organs in the future, I'll be happy to give mine to you. You already stole my heart.